The more ludicrous rumour which simply will not go away is that Cristiano Ronaldo (CR7) is definitely going back to Manchester United because Antonio Valencia has given up the number 7 shirt in favour of 25. For some hacks, the contract is as good as written.

One player United will be buying is Everton’s Manchester based comedy wig seller’s dream Marouane Fellaini, whilst publically Everton are saying very little, what they are saying is that United won’t get him cheap. In EPL terms that means “United are buying him and we can nibbled a few extra million out of them”

Manchester United’s latest EPL odds 2013 / 2014 are $3.50 where they find themselves behind both Chelsea ($3.25) and Manchester City ($3.25) in the betting.

Chelsea meanwhile along with self publicist manager Jose Mourinho seem to have switched attention away from Wayne Rooney towards the athleticism of Samuel Eto’o. Eto’o's (?) club, the aforementioned Anzhi Makhachkala are having somewhat of a clear out after deciding to downgrade their annual spending by about 90%. Eto’o, believed to be the world’s second best paid player behind Messi (or Ronaldo depending which newspaper you read), is said to be keen to join in former Inter boss at Stamford Bridge.

Roma striker and Italy international Pablo Osvaldo is the latest player said to be interesting Tottenham, who are said to be close to a $30m deal. Spurs seem to be spending the Gareth Bale money before he has even been sold, which surely puts Real Madrid (or Manchester United if believe in fairies and goblins) in a stronger bargaining position. Spurs have never been big spenders, but are dealing out flipping great wodges of cash to teams all over Europe.

Keep check on who has gone where with our EPL transfer watch feature.

Quick summary of the rest of the gossip:

Arsenal to switch attention to Swansea’s Michu if their pursuit of Luiz Suarez fails, which it will do.

Arsenal to buy Swansea defender Ashley Williams in a $20m deal, so they can save money on the delivery charge by shipping him along with Michu.

West Ham striker Modibo Maiga (no I hadn’t either) is to be loaned to 1990′s pop band St Etienne, as Big Sam tries to buy Hugo Almeida from Besiktas.

David Luiz is not joining Barcelona from Chelsea, as Jose Mourinho has issued a hands off warning. He clearly pays attention to them, and respects the position of a club who say a player is not for sale. So expect Barcelona to make a public statement that it is “Luiz or bust” and talk to every available member of the press about how important it is that Luiz gets first team football in his desired position in a World Cup season.

Rooney can be backed at odds of $15.00 to finish as EPL top scorer, this is great value.

As previously reported, long time Chelsea target Edinson Cavani has decided he prefers the fluttering eyelids of Laurent Blanc to the romantic gestures of Jose Mourinho and has opted for a move to Even-Richer-Than-Chelsea-Paris-St-Germain (ERTCPSG). The fact that PSG have seemingly met Napoli’s $180m buy out clause might be another reason to move the Paris than London. So Chelsea have switch attention to 22 year old Christian Benteke for Aston Villa. Benteke joined Villa from Genk for $14m on a 4 year deal only last season, and finished with an impressive 19 EPL goals. It is understood the giant Belgian has handed in a transfer request and Chelsea is his most likely destination for c. $45m. A snip.

Chelsea are currently joint second favourites to win the 2013 EPL outright at odds of $3.10

Or / and Chelsea are lining up an $80m bid for Liverpool’s bite happy want away forward Luis Suarez. Suarez who believes the UK press is hounding him plans to solve the problem by moving from Liverpool to Madrid or Paris or seemingly London where it believed he has briefed his agent that a move to Chelsea would suffice. Yes that’s right Luis, you won’t get any press coverage in London, at a club that has had more than it’s fair share of racism and player behaviour problems. Suarez will at least feel at home playing alongside John Terry, John Terry, Eden Hazard and John Terry.

Quick round up of the rest of the gossip, along with our forecast as to whether it is likely to happen or not.

Manchester United will return with a slightly larger bid and secure the signature of Everton’s Leighton Baines, yawn. This is going to happen, fact.

Patrice Evra will get all shirty and leave United as a result of his place being put under threat, with Real Madrid, ERTCPSG or Monaco his destination. This will happen, he is a moody little fella and will probably end up back at money bags Monaco.

Real Madrid chief quote issuer Florentino Perez has stated that Cristiano Ronaldo will retire at Real Madrid, either Ronaldo needs to look out for flying tackles in training, or Perez believes the sunshine/world’s biggest club/$500,000 per week/working with Zidane formula is right for CR7. He is going nowhere, this season at least.

Barcelona have been told to do one by Barcelona fan Jose Mourinho when they came asking if David Luiz fancied playing out. Of all the clubs in all the world, the least likely Chelsea are to sell to is Barcelona. Conclusion: David Luiz is staying put.

The superbly named Julian (not that bit) Draxler (that bit) lately seen bossing the Schalke midfield is coming to the EPL with Chelsea, Manchester City and Arsenal (last resort on his behalf surely) fighting it out for his signature. Our verdict is a move is on the cards, and Draxler will be pulling on a blue shirt next season. Whether it is sky or darkish, we don’t know.

Little known, bit part Spurs player Gareth Bale is not going to Real Madrid. At least that is according to the aforementioned Madrid boss Florentino Perez who claims they have no interest in signing a really good player from a team they have a good relationship with. Hold on. Spurs and Real Madrid have a good relationship do they? Ok. Modric. I think Spurs chairman Daniel Levy has cocked this up. For all his blustering about not selling Bale at any price, and world record fees of $190m being bandied about, he has just talked himself and his club out of a monster pay day. Never mind that Bale is Spurs and they are a truly one man team. $190m buys you a good 4 or 5 players you need to play alongside new signing Paulinho to make the team very good indeed. Verdict. Bale to move to Manchester City or PSG on the last day of the transfer window for $100m as Spurs get desperate for the green backs.

And finally…the biggest news of the week is surely Usain Bolt to play for Manchester United. Bolt is tipped to turn out for his beloved reds in Rio Ferdinand’s testimonial against Sevilla on August 9th. That should be quite some wing speed. Hopefully he will be able to control the ball better than United’s last ‘super-fast-next-big-thing-flying-winger’ David Bellion…..

Manchester City look to have beaten Real Madrid to the signature of Spain midfielder Isco in a deal thought to be worth $45m for cash strapped Malaga. With Fernandinho and Navas already signed City are leading the way in terms of spend so far. This one looks like a done deal to us and it might be worth backing City for the EPL title at odds of $3.10 before they sign too many more players and their odds tighten.

Meanwhile at Old Trafford Manchester United seem to have secured the signing of Barcelona’s Spain U21 midfield genuis Thiago Alcantara. Following his hatrick in the game against Italy, United keeper David De Gea signed his captain’s match ball with the words Nos Vemos en Manchester, which means “See you in Manchester”. United are willing to trigger the former Brazil World Cup winner Marzinho’s son’s release clause at a reasonably low $34m. This story has a lot of legs, and we think Alcantara will be lining up in United midfield come August 18th. Done deal.

Another Barcelona player another Manchester United rumour. This time is it Cesc Fabregas who continues to be linked with a move away from Camp Nou to Trafford Old. We can’t see Barca letting two young Spanish midfielders leave in one season, unless they need to recoup some Neymar money. Cesc will be irritating teams in La Liga next season not La EPL.

Wayne Rooney seems to be still interesting Arsenal, with billionaire shareholder Alisher Usmanov urging Arsene Wenger to try and sign the want-away-maybe-not-want-away striker. With Moyes now at the helm and Rooney being used widely on United’s marketing materials we can’t see him leaving unless United are able to pursuade a certain Polish Centre Forward to join them from Borussia Dortmund. Rooney to stay at Old Trafford.

We’ve added our EPL Round 1 Previews, with our tips for the first round matches.

Part 1 of our EPL Round 1 Odds and Betting Guide
Part 2 of our EPL Round 1 Odds and Betting Guide